I would be a much better host of “What Not to Wear” than those two odd-looking thirty-somethings on the TLC show. It’s so clear they don’t particularly like one another. And that gay man, Clinton, is always wearing hot-pink shirts with plaid prints, or something similarly offensive, that calls his whole profession into question. This is not to say that I’m a model of high fashion -- my instincts in this department are quite conservative. But I do recognize a fashion faux-pas when I see one. That’s why, in a selfless act of public service, I call on your support in helping me remove following from the streets of DC:
1. The flipped collar
I cannot understand how self-respecting people can emerge from their living spaces without fixing their collars. It’s like leaving one’s zipper down. No one looks good with their zipper down.
What the flipped collar uniformly announces to the world is this: “I am vaguely pretentious, and bow to gods of pseudo-preppie convention. Also, I'm so out-of-touch with reality that I don't realize how silly I currently look.”
2. The nightgown
You know, those oversized T-shirts popular with urban youth? Somehow I don’t think they’d be so popular if people started calling them what they truly are – white nightgowns. Comfortable to sleep in, perhaps, but definitely not for outside pleasure.
3. The country club blazer
Going to a Catholic prep school, I had to wear a navy blue jacket every day for years. So it’s hard for me to fathom why anyone would willingly wear one of these hideous things outside of a golf club or upscale steakhouse. Really, there are far more subtle, and less embarrassing, ways of announcing you’re old money.